Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Rent is due...

I got a phone call from my dad the other day saying that we'd received mail from someone in Cambridge, England.  We used my parents' house as our forwarding address when we left England, and I knew what it was... the rent is due on the 2 embryo's we have on ice at the Bourn Clinic.

We've talked about, and I remain adamant, about the fact that we dont want any more children; that I especially do NOT ever want to go through IVF again and that when the time came, we would have our embryo's thawed out and we would donate them to medical research in the hopes that something good would come out of those stem cells and that maybe our blood, sweat, tears, eggs, and sperm could cure AIDS or something.  That was the plan.  Well, I guess its still the plan, but as with most things in life, its harder to actually make the decision when its staring you in the face and no longer a hypothetical situation.

To be clear, I'm not wavering... I still dont want to put us through IVF again, but now, as I'm faced with signing my name on the dotted line and thawing out our last remaining embryo's, I'm left with a feeling of... I dont know; betrayal to the dynamic duo?  Relief?  Guilt at said relief?  Anxiousness at making the wrong decision?  Wondering if this goes against my life begins at conception beliefs?  Feeling sorry for what could have been?  I'm filled with a jumble of emotions and it sucks on a whole other level because The Husband isn't here to hold my hand and be my rock and steady that storm of emotions raging through me.  He's the only one that could look me in the face, tell me to relax, and help make the final call and make me feel good about it.  And he's out to sea, floating around the ocean with a storm of emotions all his own, I'm sure.

In faced with signing my name on the dotted line, I am also faced with the fact that I think its time to get some help.  I kind of touched on my fucked-uppedness  before, but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think its time to get some counseling and really heal from everything we went through.  I think I spent so long telling everyone I was okay, that I never really got the chance to be okay.  What we went through left some deep emotional scars that need to be dealt with and I think its time.

I looked into counseling in the Virginia area and I cant really find anyone who seems like they'd fit my needs.  I dont need counseling for abuse or PTSD or relationships... I need someone who understands the infertility world and miscarriages and all that.  Someone who gets what my body went through as well as my mind.  I think what I'm going to do is call around to some fertility clinics in the area and ask if they can recommend someone.  I figure, if anyone is going to be able to point me in the right direction, it ought to be them, right?

Basically the moral of the story is that, even if you have a happy ending, infertility will always suck balls.  Big ones.

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