Choice

As I said a few weeks ago... the rent is due on our embryos.  

I've been home for a little over a week now.  The paperwork has been sitting on my dresser, unopened.  Until tonight.  Tonight, I sat down on my bed after everyone else had gone to sleep and I opened up the paper work.  It opened with a letter explaining that it was time to evaluate what we wanted done with our frozen embryo's.  We have four choices:

1.  Continue paying for them to remain frozen.

2.  Donate them to medical research.

3.  Have them disposed of.

4.  Donate them to another couple. 

Before the Husband left on deployment, well, almost a year ago really, we decided that we'd have our embryos donated to medical research in the hopes that they could help find an answer to something... we hoped that there could be a reason and a purpose for everything we went through (well, aside from the obvious).  Why is that?  Why do we need a reason for everything?  Why do we have to have an explanation?  Cant shitty things just happen?  I guess I cant just let it be like that... I guess I need there to have been a reason for everything... and I guess I'm just too damn nosy to accept the God's will/life path explanation.  So, we're hoping that maybe our beautifully perfect, healthy, high grade embryo's will shed some light on something in the medical community. 

The problem with all that is... our embryo's are a "them".  And one day "they" could possibly be people... if only given the chance.  I guess I cant look at "them" like that though and still sign my name on the dotted line.  I guess I have to take out the emotions of all this and look at "them" as just embryos... not the possibility that they hold.  Its not easy.  I am a firm believer that life begins at conception and for lack of a better term, these guys are life... just frozen.  Its been a difficult decision to talk over with The Husband about what to do with the embryos... but I have to believe that we're making the right decision. 

I still stand by not ever wanting to go through IVF again.  And neither one of us are comfortable with donating embryo's to another couple.  Eggs are one thing, but embryo's are a part of both of us and we just aren't okay with that.  So... medical research it is... and filling out paper work that's been sitting there staring at me for a week it is.... 

And hoping and praying that our embryo's turn into good stem cells for the researchers to learn from.  And hoping and praying for no regrets.

And taking a deep breath and feeling relief that that's another chapter in our lives that's really coming to a final close.