NIAW

Its that time of year again... National Infertility Awareness Week.  This years theme from Resolve is "Don't Ignore Infertility"... although, to someone dealing with infertility, that's like saying "Don't ignore the elephant in the room" or "Don't ignore whats staring you in the face every morning in the mirror" or "Don't ignore that needle as you plunge it into the soft tissue of your stomach".  Really, there's no way to ignore infertility for those going through it.  I get what Resolve meant and I understand that infertility and all that goes with it needs to be talked about... its not some shameful secret that people should carry around.  God knows I don't feel that way about it; my poor family and friends know more about my uterine lining and egg quality and The Husband's sperm count than they ever wanted to.  And I (and the Husband) are both okay with that.

I think one thing we need to not forget is that infertility is one hell of a battle to fight and you need an army behind you when you face it head on.  I think that the one thing that kept me (relatively) sane through our entire journey was the fact that everyone knew what we were going through.  There were a few people who were ignorant to our situation, but for the most part, our friends and families knew what we were going through.  We never had to deal with the "When are you guys going to pop out kids" questions or the like.  We had a HUGE and amazing support system who were there for us through the worst of times.  They knew what we needed and what we didn't.

After the first miscarriage, two of our best friends drug us out of the house and along with them to their wedding cake and catering taste testing.  They wouldn't let us wallow for too long and they MADE us get out of the house and on with our lives.

During the IVF miscarriage, Mom came out and held our hands in the ultrasound room as our blighted ovum was confirmed.  Everyone stateside wept with us and mourned with us and then helped us pick ourselves back up and moved on.

During our last miscarriage, our friends in England brought over junk food and chocolate and made sure my shifts at work were covered so we could have time off to grieve.  And again, everyone stateside mourned with us.

Every single time we've gone through a miscarriage or IVF, EVERYONE has gone out of their way to do whatever we needed them to do; even if it was giving us space for a few days and then picking up the phone.

Last mother's day, still licking my wounds from the hellacious previous year, I received a Mother's Day card in the mail and hand written on the inside was: "You deserve a Mother's Day just like the rest of us". I bawled my eyes out, but I felt validated as a mother... and it meant the world to me.

I realize that not everyone feels the same way I do and prefer to go through things in private.  And I know that a lot of people think that infertility and miscarriages and all that stuff should be kept private, but I am not one of those people.  I need to talk about it.  I need to have support and to have people to talk to.  I need to share what's going on and how I'm feeling.

All that support and love helped me... helped The Husband and me, get through everything we went through and still are going through.  And that is something I won't forget.  I won't forget the army of love and support that got us through the Infertility and the miscarriages.

A Thousand Years

Music has always played a huge part in my life.  I grew up in a house of people who love music and from a young age I too have loved music.  I have a very eclectic taste in music... my iPod has everything from broadway musicals to 70's rock, to praise music, to choir music, to some pop, rock, alternative, and the list goes on.  Throughout my life, music is an ever present thread that continues to weave in and out of my memories.  

There are a couple of songs that have always struck a chord in me, especially while we were trying to get pregnant.  Songs that I couldn't always listen to because they would hurt too much.  

Since we had Ticky Boo, I've been able to sing her the lullaby's I so wanted to sing and those moments are incredible precious to me.  I've never heard a song that really captured "us" though... until now.  

I had heard this song on the radio a couple of times and really liked it.  I thought it was so romantic and sweet and I downloaded it to my phone and put it in the playlist for my trip back to VA.  It came on as I was about an hour and a half into my drive and Ticky Boo was sleeping soundly in the back.  As the music filled my car I really listened to the words and then tears started streaming down my face... this song was absolutely perfect for Stella's birth.  I could see the memory of that night play in my mind as this song played on the radio.  And I fell even more in love with Ticky Boo and this song!   

Thousand Years by Christina Perri

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Choice

As I said a few weeks ago... the rent is due on our embryos.  

I've been home for a little over a week now.  The paperwork has been sitting on my dresser, unopened.  Until tonight.  Tonight, I sat down on my bed after everyone else had gone to sleep and I opened up the paper work.  It opened with a letter explaining that it was time to evaluate what we wanted done with our frozen embryo's.  We have four choices:

1.  Continue paying for them to remain frozen.

2.  Donate them to medical research.

3.  Have them disposed of.

4.  Donate them to another couple. 

Before the Husband left on deployment, well, almost a year ago really, we decided that we'd have our embryos donated to medical research in the hopes that they could help find an answer to something... we hoped that there could be a reason and a purpose for everything we went through (well, aside from the obvious).  Why is that?  Why do we need a reason for everything?  Why do we have to have an explanation?  Cant shitty things just happen?  I guess I cant just let it be like that... I guess I need there to have been a reason for everything... and I guess I'm just too damn nosy to accept the God's will/life path explanation.  So, we're hoping that maybe our beautifully perfect, healthy, high grade embryo's will shed some light on something in the medical community. 

The problem with all that is... our embryo's are a "them".  And one day "they" could possibly be people... if only given the chance.  I guess I cant look at "them" like that though and still sign my name on the dotted line.  I guess I have to take out the emotions of all this and look at "them" as just embryos... not the possibility that they hold.  Its not easy.  I am a firm believer that life begins at conception and for lack of a better term, these guys are life... just frozen.  Its been a difficult decision to talk over with The Husband about what to do with the embryos... but I have to believe that we're making the right decision. 

I still stand by not ever wanting to go through IVF again.  And neither one of us are comfortable with donating embryo's to another couple.  Eggs are one thing, but embryo's are a part of both of us and we just aren't okay with that.  So... medical research it is... and filling out paper work that's been sitting there staring at me for a week it is.... 

And hoping and praying that our embryo's turn into good stem cells for the researchers to learn from.  And hoping and praying for no regrets.

And taking a deep breath and feeling relief that that's another chapter in our lives that's really coming to a final close.

Easter Basket

Just a forewarning, this is going to be a sad/sappy and relatively pointless post... I apologize in advance, I'm feeling somewhat melancholy today. 

This Sunday is Easter.  Tomorrow I will put together Ticky-boo's first Easter Basket.  And I'll do it alone.  Not that it takes two people to put together a basket, but The Husband is still out floating around the ocean and I'm still here playing Mommy and Daddy and while, most days, its not a big deal, it definitely sucks during Holidays.  

Every Sunday morning on Easter, our home church does this thing called flowering the cross.  Basically there's a big wooden cross covered in chicken wire at the front of the church.  When the services start, its completely bare, and when everyone gets there, hymns are played and everyone walks up the aisle and puts flowers in the wire and onto the cross.  By the end of both services, the cross is COVERED in beautiful flowers!  It is a very moving and touching part of the Easter service and it is probably my favorite part of any church service.  

Well, this year, Ticky-boo gets to participate!  She's taking quite a few steps on her own now, so I'm going to hold one of her hands and we're going to walk up the aisle and flower the cross together.... and I'm probably going to bawl the whole time.  Mom says she probably will too... but she's going to try and video it for the Husband so he can watch it.  Fingers crossed that she cooperates and walks down the aisle with me!  I hope that it will help him feel like he's here in some capacity. 

Needless to say, I am ready for the Husband to be home.  Not just for me, but for him and Ticky-boo too.  I hate that he's missing so much.  And I hate that she's missing him so much.  She at least knows who he is... she carries a picture of the two of them around and she'll kiss it and give Daddy kisses.  I'm just ready for her to be able to give the real thing kisses.